Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
