I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
