we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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