This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have already put on my inside pants.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
