Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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