You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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