When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
