Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
