Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
