So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
