I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
