I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
