this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
