i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
