your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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