college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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