Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
