Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
