Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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