carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Can you bring me the toilet please
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
