I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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