Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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