i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
