Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
