he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
