we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
