The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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