If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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