Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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