We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
