I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
