I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
