God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
