Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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