OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize