my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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