Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
