I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
