when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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