I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
