i just wanna soil my oats bro
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
