We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
