i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
