What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
