They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
