You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
