: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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