I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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