i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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