Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh god it's open bar.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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