sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i think i scared a bird with my dick
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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