i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
