you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
