I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
