if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
