Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
