Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
