Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
