i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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