Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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