I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
