Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
