I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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