I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
