you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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