So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize