You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize