Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
